Does That Make Me Crazy?

A friend of mine listens to a radio show every morning that has a segment called, "Does That Make Me Crazy?" Apparently people call in and tell about quirky things that they do. I don't listen to that show and don't feel like calling in, but I do have some quirky habits I would like to tell you about.

1) I attribute human characteristics (mainly, feelings) to inanimate objects. For example, I will never leave a fork alone in the silverware drawer. If I take the second to last fork, I will just move the remaining fork to be with one of it's cousins - the salad forks, for instance - until there are more forks to join it once again in its part of the silverware tray. Same thing for bowls, plates, etc. No dish left alone, that's my motto. Well, not a motto, really, but I just hate the thought of something being lonely. When I used to roll my hair in high school, I would rotate the rollers that got used each time so that none of them got left out or felt unimportant. If I accidentally drop a grape down the drain when I'm washing them in the sink, I'll pluck another one off the vine and throw it in there, too, so the dropped one will have company down there. If I'm eating pizza at a restaurant and there is one piece remaining (that, for some reason, doesn't get to come home in a to-go box), I cut it in half so that there will be two pieces and they can keep each other company. When I'm eating cereal - Cheerios, let's say - I make sure I never swallow just one piece by itself... you guessed it - so it won't be lonely. I wonder what this obsession with not leaving things alone says about me? Am I terrified at the thought of being alone? Probably so. I sure do love people, so why would I want to spend extended periods of time alone? It's just not how I'm wired. So, I assume that nothing in the world (inanimate objects included) wants to be alone, either. Does that make me crazy?

2) I engage in some superstitious behaviors even though I'm not superstitious. Growing up, my dad old us that as a kid, he and his siblings would raise their feet whenever someone drove over a railroad track. If you don't raise your feet, you're supposed to lose your girlfriend or boyfriend. Once I heard that, I started doing it just for fun. I still can't seem to drive over a railroad track without raising my feet. It's just a habit now, I guess. I don't even think about it.

When I'm eating cereal - Cheerios, let's say! - I pretend that the number of Cheerios in my last spoonful will predict the number of children I will have. Of course I don't believe this, but I like to play this little game with myself. The game is sort of rigged, though, because I often just make sure that my last bite contains three Cheerios - the number of children I hope to have. Does that make me crazy?

3) Whenever I am walking across a parking lot to my car and it is 1) raining 2) extra chilly and windy or 3) I am carrying something heavy, I always count in my head (and sometimes under my breath) to make the walk seem shorter. I say one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight; two, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight; three, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, etc. The goal is to reach my car by eight counts of eight. If I need to, I extend my stride and take giant steps in order to make it. I'm not quite sure when I started doing this, but it does seem to help. In my estimation, it makes the walk seem only one-eighth as long as it actually is, because I pretend that each set of eight counts is one step and/or one second. Does that make me crazy?

Well, does it? More importantly, I'm interested to know about the quirks of others. I know I'm not the only one out there who does strange things like this. Let's hear it, folks - bring on the crazy!

Mother God

My whole world has changed since my last post. The last time I posted, my stomach stuck out like an oversized basketball, my time was still my own, I rarely cried, and I thought I knew how much I was going to love my little girl.

Three months ago today, I gave birth to Marin Blake. She weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces (thank the Lord for that - I did a natural birth and am not sure I could have made it through had she been one ounce larger!) and was 19 inches long. She is perfect. I can't get over how much I love her! I get excited each time she wakes me up in the middle of the night wanting to eat - I miss her after even a few hours and just love to see that sweet little face looking up at me! My heart breaks when she cries (I cried with her as she got her first shot at her two-week appointment) and I can't imagine life without her after these twelve short weeks.

Life as a mother has reminded me (or maybe truly taught me for the first time) of some of the qualities of God. As I interact with my daughter and realize time and again how utterly dependent she is on me at this stage of her little life, I can't help but think of my relationship with God.

Forgetfulness:

Marin has a little timer in her tummy and can tell almost to the minute when three hours have passed and it's time for her next meal. She lets me know when it's time to eat and becomes upset quite quickly if I don't feed her immediately, even if I'm in the process of getting set up to feed her. She is not satisfied until she is eating (she's a lot like me in that way, actually!) If seeing her cry weren't so sad, it would be almost comical to see how worked up she gets when her meal is just seconds away. You would never know from her response to hunger that I have been feeding her every 3 hours her whole life. Her memory doesn't tell her to trust me - she just knows she is hungry. It is a perfect parallel to how I often respond when there are needs (and sometimes even wants) in my life. I get all panicky inside and worry that I won't be taken care of. It's as if I have forgotten ALL of the times God has come through for me in the past. I always imagine God responding to me in the same way I respond to Marin as I calmly tell her, "Don't worry, baby girl - I know just what you need. It's on the way..."

I Know Better Than You...

When Marin wakes up in the middle of the night to eat, I always check to see whether she has a dirty diaper before I feed her. If she does, I change it before she eats so that I won't reawaken her with this whole process after her meal. She often stops crying when I pick her up, as if to say, "What a relief! Someone is listening to me!" However, when she realizes I am changing her diaper rather than feeding her, she bursts into sobs, crying harder than she was before I picked her up. I picture her thinking, "But this isn't what I wanted, Mom! Aren't you listening? Can't you see that I'm starving?" As I reassure her that her meal is on the way, I think of how good it will feel to her to have a clean diaper and a full tummy when I lay her back down to sleep. Again, I can't help but see the parallel in my own life. God knows what I need, and he is consistently faithful in my life, but sometimes he is changing my diaper first when what I wanted was to eat. It's all very upsetting until I'm clean and fed and back in the crib...

How Deep the Mother's Love for Us...

There's an old hymn I love called "How Deep the Father's Love for Us." In our patriarchal society (and in the patriarchal society in which the Bible was written) we usually refer to God as Father. I have no problem with this and am not on some feminazi soapbox about the gender of God; however, as a mother myself (and having watched my mother take care of us growing up) it seems to me that the image of God as Mother is almost more fitting. I am extremely close to my own father and adore watching Krister dote over Marin, so I do not deny the deep connection fathers have with their children. But think of the mother's role with her children - of the deep physical connection present from birth, as her body changes in form and function to meet the needs of her baby, as mother and baby become codependent in the breast-feeding process, both needing the other for comfort and relief. Think of the endless selflessness that it takes to be a good mother. I am overwhelmed with love for Marin. I feel as though I have been given a small glimpse of God's love for me as this new relationship unfolds, as I gladly sacrifice to meet Marin's needs out of a deep and indescribable love. I understand for the first time in my life how greatly God rejoices in me, not because of anything I have done, but just because I am.

I am grateful for God the Father. I am grateful for God the Mother. I am so grateful to be a mother myself, and in this role to learn anew the love God has for me.

Baby Bump

I have every intention of staying committed to the original intent of this blog, which was to amuse myself (and possibly someone happening by the site) by relating random and ridiculous thoughts and stories from my life; however, given that I am (hopefully!) days away from having my first child, this event is clearly taking precedence in my mind and will likely continue to for, I don't know, the next 18 years? Admittedly, I haven't been blogging anyway, so I'm sure no one would notice or care if my blog changed from the purpose of amusing myself to being amused and amazed by my new little girl. That being said, I know I will need a creative outlet of some sort in between diaper changes and feedings, so I do hope to maintain a sense of my pre-baby self even after little Marin transforms life as we know it around here. That's what we're naming her, by the way - Marin Blake! I can hardly wait to meet her, and that little trickster had us fooled into thinking she was hours away in the earlier part of the week. She was only kidding, apparently, so I have a few more days (and hopefully not weeks!) left on my hands before she arrives.

I just finished cleaning the kitchen sink (again!) and remembered that a friend had asked me to post some pregnancy pics to my blog since it's been a while since we've seen one another. So, here they are! Hopefully the next time you see me she will be in my arms and not in my big belly! (And, of course, hopefully my belly will be a little less big!) :)

These were taken by my parents last Thursday at Turtle Creek, right by the gazebo where Krister proposed and I had my bridal portraits made. Fun memories! We were saying I should go ahead and deliver in the gazebo to keep up the trend of big events in my life happening there - I know the Turtle Creek residents would love that!

This was taken at the Dallas Arboretum a couple of Saturdays ago. I drug poor Krister out there in the scorching heat and humidity to take pictures of flowers for the nursery. He got some great ones and they are now framed above the changing table!

Super-Sized Surprise

I am currently 21 weeks pregnant, and today we had our big sonogram! We were actually supposed to find out yesterday, but due to a mix-up at our doctor's office, the big reveal had to be delayed for a painstaking 24 more hours! Poor little Baby Beluga was all hopped up on pre-sonogram Dr. Pepper for nothing yesterday!

Today we returned with great anticipation and the full expectation that we were in for the news, "It's a boy!" I must admit that, having had only brothers, I have always hoped to someday have a daughter. We both want at least one of each if we got to special-order our children, so of course we would have been thrilled with either gender. But, in the back of my mind I have always hoped to have a daughter first. Partly because I am the first-born in my family and I think big sisters are great! How else are you going to have someone convincing the other siblings that it would be wonderful to surprise Mom and Dad with a clean house when they get home? I just can't see a big brother organizing that, but I guess it depends on the brother! Also, as much as I want a son someday (and would have been thrilled to have a son first!) I had this nagging fear that if I didn't get a daughter right off the bat, I might never get one at all.

Growing up, I pictured myself as the mother of all boys. I simply adore boys and will let you in on the secret that I wished I were a boy myself through many of my growing up years. I used to write essays (I know, I'm a dork!) about how much easier it was to be a boy. The essays consisted of themes like: If you're a girl and you don't shave, it's considered to be gross... if you're a boy and you don't shave, you're thought of as manly because you grew a beard. If you're a boy you can run around with your shirt off and pee wherever you want (within reason, of course). If you're a girl you're expected to wear make-up and look great all of the time. And, of course, there was always the mention of the monthly "visitor" and all of the unfairness that entails. Plus, I always detested the drama of girls and the back-stabbing, gossiping nature of so many girl relationships. Boys do it the right way - they have a fist fight and then return to being buddies. Why can't girls be like that?

The general consensus among many of our friends and family was that I was going to have a boy. I believed it myself - I was having dreams about having a boy, I completely stopped searching for girls' names and instead pored over the boy names section of my baby names books. Even our midwife said that, based on the heartbeat, we were likely having a boy. So imagine our surprise when the stenographer announced, "Your baby isn't being cooperative, but I can get a peek and... you're having a little girl!" Krister was so shocked that he thought she was kidding at first. As she pointed out the evidence, tears streamed down my face in a steady flow that didn't stop until we left the office (only to resume in the form of happy sobs when I got to the car). I want a son someday. I love boys and all of the dirty, rambunctious fun that they bring with them. I want to have a little Krister running around the house and cheer for him at sporting events (or whatever events in which he chooses to participate! We can only hope he gets Krister's natural ability when it comes to sports!) I want a son. But today, my prayer for a daughter was answered. I am so grateful.

Go-Go Gadget

Remember Inspector Gadget with all his handy little.... well, gadgets? I spend a lot of time on the road commuting to and from my job, so I inevitably end up spending a lot of time just sitting in traffic.  All that time driving and sitting has given me some ideas about go-go gadget devices for cars.

1) Go-Go Gadget Lane Merger: About 98% of the time, I am a very calm driver.  I don't feel that I am easily given over to "road rage"; however, there are exceptions.  Like when there are signs for 2-3 miles warning everyone that we will be losing a lane of traffic due to construction and we're supposed to go ahead and MERGE into another lane.  Being a bit of a rule follower, I immediately move to the proper lane when directed to do so.  But then there are the few (and sometimes several) cars that think the rules do not apply to them.  They just zoom up to the front as if nothing is happening and then cut in line at the last minute as they are forced to merge.  This is where the Go-Go Gadget Lane Merger comes in handy.  When lanes are merging, simply push the button and long metal poles shoot out from the sides of your car.  They are not intended to injure anyone or anything; they are simply there to ensure that your car is not rudely passed by the front-of-the-line zoomers.  The people who followed directions and merged when they were supposed to will be right behind you in their place (possibly with their Lane Merger poles out) and the people who failed to merge will just have to sit there and wait their turn like everyone else.  I mean, if it weren't for these people, merging lanes wouldn't cause such a slow down.

2)  Go-Go Gadget Periscope (AKA Go-Go Gadget Decision-Maker):  This device comes in handy when you're stuck in a traffic jam and don't know why.  It seems like the people on the radio are constantly reporting the traffic around the Metroplex, but every time I find myself sitting in traffic, all the stations seem to be in the middle of a no-commercial music stretch (which I would normally welcome but can't help but be annoyed by when I'm trying to find out if there is an accident up ahead).  Traffic in front of you slowing down?  Simply push the button and your periscope shoots out from the roof of your car to give you a peek at what's ahead.  Once you can see above all of the traffic and up the road, you can decide whether to take the next exit or hang in there a few minutes until traffic picks up.  Honestly, I wish all cars had these.  It's like having your own personal helicopter to go ahead of you and scout out the situation.  

On a different note, here's a tip for how to stay calm when you're stuck in a jam.  Remember Princess Bride?  Of course you do.  Remember when Andre the Giant needs to get whats-her-face through to get medical treatment, but the road is packed with people?  He shouts in his giant voice, "Everybody mooooooove" and the people immediately part to reveal a straight shot down the road?  When I'm stuck in traffic I use my best giant voice to say, "Everybody mooooove" and I picture the cars parting in front of me.  This may reveal how simple-minded I am, but it makes me laugh every single time.  Instant stress-relief.

3) Go-Go Gadget Gas-Saver:  You know those trucks that haul new (and sometimes used) cars on a multi-tiered trailer?  Often times you'll see one go by that has an open spot in the bottom back side.  Or those 18-wheelers with empty flatbeds.  Well, whenever you see one of these things on the road, you pull behind them as you're driving.  Then you simply push the button and a chain with a hook on it shoots out in front of you and hooks onto the truck.  The chain quickly winds up as it pulls you closer to the trailer.  When you arrive a the edge of the trailer, a small ramp extends ahead of you (at the same time that the hook and chain release) and you drive right up onto the trailer.  Now you're riding along as if parked on a ferry.  Simply reverse the process when you arrive at your desired highway exit.  An instant gas-saver!

That's it for now.  Happy Driving!

What's Up, Dog?

I've never really been a big collector. I have a tendency to be a bit of a pack rat if I'm not careful, just because I'm super sentimental and can't bear to throw things (cards, letters) away when they say something special or are from someone I love (which, if you think about it, would encompass about all of the cards and letters I've ever been given). But apart from the inability to part with things of sentimental value, I am not a collector. I did try collecting can tabs in elementary school, but that was only because I had heard that if you save up a 3-liter worth of them, you were in for some serious cash. Five bucks or something. (I was quite the entrepreneur in elementary school, always trying to sell things I had made or devise new ways to make money.) Since my family never really drank soft drinks, I could only collect them by getting them from friends or neighbors who were finished with their sodas. Which means that I collected about 12 before I lost interest. (Typing that, I realize how pitiful that sounds, but I promise I wasn't a little ragamuffin!)

Krister and I have begun a tradition of going to a local baseball game as one of our activities when we go on vacation. I ADORE this tradition! Who doesn't love baseball games? Since he's smart and tricky, he buys them from season ticket holders and we wind up getting great seats (which I don't really care about because I'm just there for the atmosphere and the food). Although I do not eat hot dogs in my regular life, I make exceptions when I am camping, watching a big game on TV, or attending a baseball game. It has not been a successful baseball outing if I haven't had a hot dog. Since we take lots of pictures on vacation, I realized that I am accumulating pictures of myself eating hot dogs. For the first time in my life, I am a collector! Now I don't eat a hot dog without capturing the event on camera. Following is the beginning of what I hope will grow to be an enormous collection of hot dog eating sessions. Enjoy! :)


My first hot dog eating picture in Central Park. Okay, so it's not a baseball game or camping, but who can pass up a cute little hot dog vendor?

Giant's game on our first trip to San Francisco

By the river in Chicago. Hmmm... yet another time I'm eating a hot dog when neither baseball or camping is involved.

At the White Sox game in Chicago

At the Giant's game on our latest trip to SF

Abraham or Jonah?

All my life, I've been a huge fan of the Old Testament stories. Specifically, I love the clear message woven throughout each story that people are dumb, frail, filled with doubts and fears, and incapable of maintaining consistent faithfulness to God... but God still used them and worked through them to accomplish His miraculous purposes, and better yet, stayed in relationship with them out of His great love for His creation. I especially love the stories in moments when I realize how dumb, frail, filled with doubts and fears, and incapable of maintaining consistent faithfulness I am. It's such a relief to know that God has a long history of loving, working through, and rescuing people just like me.

It's probably for this reason that I often see my life through the lens of the Old Testament characters. When I needed a big scholarship for college, I prayed something to the effect of, "God, you parted the Red Sea for Moses and stopped the sun in the sky for Joshua. I know it is nothing to you to hook me up with this scholarship, and that is what I am asking of you. Please step in and help this happen. This is my Red Sea." Each night I would lay in bed and recount the OT miracles to myself as I fell asleep, reminding myself of God's bigness and power and ability to overcome obstacles that seem insurmountable on my own.

Recently we've been faced with some big transitions as K finishes his residency year and searches for a staff position. For a while there, it was looking like we were going to be moving away to make that happen. Before I go on, you should know that I DO NOT want to move away right now. I LOVE where I live. I love my job. I love our church. I love living close to my family. I love our dear friends here. I don't expect to get to stay here forever, but with the hopes of starting a family soon, I did not want to up and leave our whole support system right now. I DO NOT want to leave.

But I thought we were about to. To prepare myself for the transition, I began to reread the Exodus story. Probably not the parts you would think, though. One of the most helpful parts of the story for me is the part before Moses goes back to Egypt and the whole plague thing starts to happen. Back up to when Moses flees from Egypt after killing that man and finds himself in Midian. He shows up out of nowhere and before you know it, the priest's daughter Zipporah is given to be his bride. Not a bad gig for Zipporah - she marries this Moses fellow, gets to live at home with her family, starts a family of her own, her husband takes on the family business and starts tending flocks.... until that annoying day with the burning bush. The day that Moses returned from the flocks and broke the news to her over dinner that God had spoken to him and they were going to be leaving Midian and heading out to Egypt to save God's people from the hand of the most powerful dictator in the land. Great. Sounds easy, Moses. I'm on board. Let's load our children up on donkeys and head out into the desert. Let's take away all of Pharoah's slave labor - I'm sure he won't mind if his whole work force leaves Egypt. It's practically a family vacation.

Zipporah was probably a better wife than I am, because that's exactly what she did. She left her family, loaded her sons up on a donkey, and headed to an unknown land to face a frightening task with the faith that God would be behind them all the way. (Personally, I think her faith was even greater than Moses' - I mean, SHE didn't get a burning bush.) She went not knowing if Moses would get killed by Pharoah and leave her widowed in a foreign land. Not knowing if they would ever return to see her father and her family again. (Thank goodness she didn't know about the 40 years of wandering in the desert!) I've always admired Zipporah for that. Remember, she didn't have the Old Testament to help her recount all of God's miracles. Now that's a leap of faith. Her story put my own into perspective. Yes, I might be leaving my family and everyone I know and love. Yes, we might be heading off into the unknown. But we're not having to go up against a dictator, and I know I'll get to return to see my family whenever I want.

Fast forward a few months to the time we had to make our final decision. Unfortunately, we were STILL waiting to hear back about K's job because apparently the process is interminable. Because of my job, we needed to make a decision, and there was certainly no clear choice one way or the other. Should we stay or should we go now? Either decision was a leap of faith because either left a lot of unknowns. At the last possible second, we decided... to stay.

I'm thrilled to be staying. Thrilled! But I had come to feel so peaceful about leaving, it feels weird to be staying. Which character am I? Am I Abraham, spared from doing the unthinkable at the last moment? Faithful in following what I thought was God's plan until He said, "Just kidding! You don't have to do it. Just wanted to see if you would." Or am I Jonah, directed to go to Ninevah (or in this case, Houston) and I said, "No way, Jose!" Is it my fate to be swallowed by a whale?

I should point out that theologically, I don't think there's necessarily a right or a wrong decision in this case. I don't believe that God has our lives laid out like lilly pads on a pond and it's up to us to figure our which pad to hop to next, hoping we've found the "right" one.... but all my life, I've asked God to personally direct my steps because I know that He can and desires to. And He has done it faithfully every time. Things have been so clear and apparent that it confuses me when they're not. What do you do when there's no burning bush? There's a song on CMT right now called, "Still Learning How to Trust." I guess that's where I am right now.